Written by Jesica & Colleen | Valentine's Day is coming up. We're feeling single and... okay with it. At least for now. But isn't it funny how a single word that defines a relationship can bring up so many different emotions? We digress.
A few months ago I read an article online by Converge Magazine titled Single Not Waiting that challenged me to begin changing my mindset about dating. I began a draft of this post after I first read the article. But like many things in life, the challenge to step outside of my comfort zone put me on hold. Throughout college I looked for potential relationships with every new interesting man that I met, and was later disappointed when I couldn't find joy and happiness in that. So naturally after meeting a new friend I began the old cycle. I was confused, now questioning the article that I had so quickly agreed with. But it wasn't long before that same friend helped me see that it was indeed time to change my mindset about both the gift of relationships and the gift of singleness. The article that I mentioned above is written from a Christian perspective and though I agree with most everything that the author mentions, this post isn't so much about the Christian point of view of singleness. Instead, I am focusing more on how viewing singleness as a gift has helped me grow as an individual. Our culture and society seems to make young women believe that the order to a successful life is grade school, college, engagement, and marriage shortly after you graduate. This post is not to say that this idea of life is wrong, but that maybe it's time that our culture and society gave individuals the option of defining their own success. Since recently graduating college and beginning to actively live out some of my personal dreams and goals, I feel furthest away from the desire of marriage than ever. And for once in life, I am okay with that. This is not to say that I don't still have a desire to share my life with another individual, but rather than sitting around and waiting for that special person to show up in my life, I have chosen to keep living my own life until I meet them. I have taken all of the energy I have previously used to dream of my fairytale relationship and perfect wedding day, to dream of things that I actually have control over. Focusing on viewing singleness as a gift has given me the opportunity to actually accomplish things on my list of 23 Dreams for 2014. In just one month I have graduated college, spent quality time with my family, determined what has drawn me to apply to the Peace Corp, begun planning a road trip to the Grand Canyon, explored religion, planned a trip to hike the Appalachian trail, releasing the promo for my documentary, begun to dematerialize, gotten lost in my hoop dance practice, learned to truly be and appreciate me, taught someone something and learned from them, landed special gigs in the entertainment industry that have taught me more than I can even begin to explain, and finally begun to figure out where life is taking me next. Do not misunderstand me; I welcome the day I am to be joined in life with another person, if that is what I am called to be in life. But I don't wish it to happen any sooner than it is supposed to. I have learned from the help of many friends I have met in my recent journeys to accomplish personal dreams first. Before that "dream" that we have of being with someone else comes true, we must really know and be comfortable being ourselves. In knowing and being comfortable with ourselves we will be smarter, both men and women, in choosing people to connect with for life that will aid us in accomplishing our purpose and us aid in accomplishing theirs. What I have learned about my life so far, is that in this particular season I am supposed to embrace this gift of singleness. To appreciate every friendship and connection that I make. And to learn who I am while accomplishing personal dreams and goals. Soon enough the seasons will change, and perhaps then my purpose and calling in life will be revealed to me, along with whether or not that purpose or calling is meant to be completed in conjunction with someone. Fellow Earth residents, life and time are precious gifts do not waste them concerning yourself with things that you cannot control. There is no better opportunity than now to live bold, awaken love, and dream on. We hold control over our own intelligence, peace, joy, and happiness in life. That is not only the purpose of this post, but the driving force behind this entire blog by Colleen and I. We are focusing on the dreams that we can actively make happen, and warning each other to be careful of spending dream energy on things that we cannot control. Dream on. -J | Single. Oh, the irony that one little word can evoke so many mixed emotions. Like Jesica, I've thought for a while, "Yes - now that's a subject we should tackle in our writing." And apparently, so has every other 20-something-year-old on her own blog. Jes and I dipped our toes in the water when we responded to the Wander Onwards controversial post earlier this year. Now, months after putting it off, I want to jump in. That is, if I didn't feel like I was on a high-dive in fear of belly flopping. My struggle comes in deciding long enough how I truly feel about my singleness to put into words that would make a decent contribution to the conversation. Now that truly is ironic, when you consider a changing relationship status has consumed so many hours of talk among my friends, from sleepovers circa 2005 to late nights at the bar. You think we'd really be experts by now. If that sounds like a pathetically large amount to you, listen here: It's not our fault. The topic is constantly thrown in our face, since the time we were little girls from the happy ending of rom-coms to the rapidly approaching, inescapable Valentine's Day. But maybe my inability to decide my feelings on the topic - am I content being single? - in itself is the best gift of being single. I can make up my mind just to change it. I'm feeling open to endless possibilities. And when I do, change my mind again and again, on how I want to spend my weekend, where I want to live or apply to work, there is one less factor to consider. I can make my own plans or lack there of as I choose. I'm as free as I want to be. So this is the side of being single that I've romanticized. I'm honestly glad to see this perspective becoming more popular in mainstream media. Take for example the February issue of Marie Claire magazine. In her letter from the editor, Anne Fulenwider declares "It's never been better to be a young, single woman in America." And I completely agree. I'm having a blast. The freedom of singleness and taking time to focus on one's self truly is a gift in my opinion, especially considering the context of how relationship dynamics have developed over time and differ in other countries. Fulenwider cites the delay of marriage, the increase of bachelor's degrees and voter turnout for American women. In other words, us girls are doing things. I'm not talking about things to pass the time until we meet the man of our dreams. We're doing things that make a difference in our communities. (Need ideas? The magazine also features A Single Girl's Guide to being a badass.) Speaking of badass girls, scan a few titles to the left on the magazine aisle this month and you'll see Lena Dunham's wide eyes staring back at you on the cover of Vogue. To the editorial staff, I say great choice. So many of us now 20-somethings grew up wanting to be the next Carrie Bradshaw. Lena did it. Her realistic approach to female beauty and sexuality is something to be appreciated, but even more so is her wit. The cover girl's accompanying article is definitely worth the read. I could praise her all day, but instead will just share one Lena quote that especially resonated with me on this topic: "Guilt and shame can eat away at smart girls, but remember that mistakes make smart girls." These examples from influential women are just a small part of the movement happening, in which awkward seems endearing and all your quirky young adult mistakes can be championed because at least it means you're trying to do something. For Jes and I, the "doing something" is what consumes our thoughts more often than if we will have a date on Saturday night. I definitely spend more dream time lately imaging what it would be like to land a full-time position and live in an apartment downtown with roommates than hoping to be sharing a home with a spouse. For now I'm just as excited about expanding my writing portfolio as I am expanding my social circle. All that being said, there are days when the badass act is harder to uphold. Despite how many times I yell ra-ra for feminism or how many days I truly enjoy my independence, there are still days when loneliness creeps in. I'll admit that even I - who currently shudders at the thought of marriage - understands it'd be nice to spend Valentine's Day with a beau. However, I won't waste time dwelling or waiting around for that someone to appear. Instead, this week I'll have a fun Friday night with friends and some wine, not whine. Thank goodness for my other single girls. When we're on the same page, doing things together, it's a one of the greatest gifts of singleness. So that's where I'm at - proudly single and open-minded (the euphemism for forever changing my mind) to new possibilities. I'm not marking time but vowing to enjoying it all as it comes. If you're single too, raise your glass. Cheers to the single life. Now, dream bigger. -C |